The Blog Entry That Wasn’t
A big apology is owed to the few of you who visit here semi-regularly. I’d postponed most blogging until I could post this.
After more than 20 years of strife, my parents are divorcing. My father has been served with the papers so I can now talk about it.
It all started as far as I can tell back in the late 1970s-early 1980s. Dad was drinking quite a bit and occasionally would talk to me in ways that made it clear that he was unhappy. Not directly, mind you, just enough that even a teenager would know that things were not all right in Casa Bryant. (As if the constant fighting between my parents and my sister didn’t make that evident!) I remember a wedding we went to where my father even said to me, out of earshot of Mom, “Don’t ever get married.”
But Dad never left--he cheated instead. Mom finally caught him my sophomore year talking to his girlfriend on the phone. He left that night, but not without letting my mother know that I’d known all along that he was unhappy. So after I returned about 2 am from a frat party, my mother called me to ask why I never told her. What could I have said? “Hey Mom. I know I’m just a teenager but I think Dad’s so unhappy he might be screwing around on you.” Yeah, like any parent listens to his/her kids.
Dad came back a day or two later but the damage had been done. They asked I not tell my sister (who was a freshman at a college further away). They claimed they were working things out, but I told them I didn’t want to live with them ever again. I’d finally had enough of the fighting even if they hadn’t.
Every year afterwards I would start to dread Xmas. I was always afraid that the fighting I remembered would return and that some blow up would happen to take me back to my teen years. Shoot, I’d have rather spent the holiday alone than waiting for the inevitable to happen.
Dad officially retired back in the early to mid 1990s. He was offered an early retirement and he took it. He sold some real estate for a while, but what he really did with his time is go drinking and (probably) womanizing. When Mom retired 3 years ago, Dad started to complain that she was cramping his style. He was drinking even more, and was arrested once for drunk driving.
Then two years ago, with my mother-in-law with us, my father drank too much, sat down on the ottoman in front of the Christmas tree, then leaned back and fell on the tree, breaking ornaments and the tree. What I had always feared had happened, and in front of my mother-in-law. Dad stormed out of the house and drove away (drunk), and Mom picked up the pieces. He called and apologized. I wanted to call the police for his drunk driving, but Mom asked me not to.
There was never blatant evidence that Dad was cheating at this time, but all his talking about his pool tournament partner, a woman about my age, made it clear to me that the relationship wasn’t innocent. I starting suggesting to Mom that she should take steps to protect her assets in the event that Dad had a drunk-driving accident.
Then it all hit the fan the night before my father’s birthday. Apparently his girlfriend called my mother to invite Mom to a birthday party for Dad. Mom confronted him; they fought. Mom caught him on the phone with the woman. They fought some more and he took off. Mom tracked him to his girlfriend’s house, set off his car alarm (with the remote button, not vandalism) and they fought some more.
And now they’re getting a divorce. There was a right way of doing this, but Dad chose to take the coward’s way. Mom’s not an angel nor is she innocent in the deterioration of the marriage. But Dad’s cheating wasn’t right; it never is. A spouse who cheats shows very clearly he/she really doesn’t care about the other one at all.
And worst of all for Mom is hearing about it now. Many people at her church have been telling her that they felt she was a saint for sticking it out this long. Apparently it was known about the community that Dad was catting about. In fact, he was telling people that Mom and he had an arrangement. How nice of him.
A friend was going through a similar situation last summer with her parents. They did not get divorced and she is still trying to navigate that emotional minefield. I’m hoping that for my family’s sake that my parents just get the divorce and be done with it. 24 years of bickering and lying are enough. I don’t think my sister and I could deal very well with a reconciliation at this point.
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family
