I’m Sorry
Don’t worry folks. This is not a soppy post giving an apology to someone I should have apologized to a long time ago. Y’all know me well enough to know that I’ll just call the person out of the blue and apologize, even if that individual didn’t remember me OR the wrong. This post is about how often we as women say “I’m sorry” when an apology is not needed.
What started this rant: Yesterday I called my mother to talk again about the divorce. It looks like everything is progressing as it should and the divorce should be final in a couple months. A reasonable settlement has been accepted and we’re hopeful that Dad won’t try to drag it out. (There’s no benefit to him to do so.) Anyway, while discussing the meeting, Mom said something to the effect of “I’m sorry your dad doesn’t like how this is going.”
SCREECH!
I had to interject. “Oh no, you’re not. You’re not sorry one bit. You have NOTHING to be sorry about.” I didn’t say this in an accusatory tone but rather a supportive tone. She understood what I was trying to say. She tried a couple other times to rephrase what she said, each time with an apology involved. I finally told her the only person she owed an apology to was herself. My sister and I were fine and weren’t hurt by this. She was the one who was hurt by not seeing that Dad was cheating on her. She was the one who was hurt by staying with a man who cared so little for her. And really the only person who should apologize is my father for his actions.
Women apologize too much. We apologize when we stand up for ourselves. “I’m sorry, but I was here first and you may not get in front of me in line.” We apologize for giving an honest answer. “I’m sorry, but I’m really not in the market for new siding on my house.” “I’m sorry, but I really cannot help with a donation at this time.” Yes, I understand this is merely wording that women use to appear polite, but it is language you ONLY hear women use. Men don’t apologize when they give honest answers nor when they stand up for themselves. It’s time that women stopped using such meek language.
In dance class, I instruct my students to not apologize for mistakes. If we apologize for all mistakes we make in class, we spend the entire class going “oops oops sorry sorry oops oops” instead of fixing our mistakes and moving on. I tell them to apologize only if pain, blood, or broken bones are involved. “No blood, no foul.”
So, let’s take an example from that instruction in our lives outside the studio. Do not apologize when your actions have caused no harm. If you are standing up for yourself, you do not need to apologize. If you are saying no to a salesman or solicitor, don’t preface it with “I’m sorry.” And lastly, don’t express an apology for the feelings of others when it is their actions that brought harm upon themselves, particularly when they also harmed you in the process. Apologizing for these things even only as polite language is timid.
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