Old Loves
Old loves were on my mind this week...for many reasons. I responded to a message board post gaging reactions to the thought of your having to spend eternity in heaven with your first love as your only sexual partner. I considered that to be hell actually as my first love annihilated my heart and thus I would not enjoy his company so much. Another reason old loves were on my mind this week was because I heard from one, a more recent one. Quite unexpectedly I might add.
Naturally I started to think about where old loves fit into our lives, do we acknowledge them, have we let go, do we look back fondly, do we look back with utter contempt? Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love...but what of our old loves? Do we celebrate them?My first love has been long forgiven but not really forgotten and that's fine. I don't look back with longing so much as I look back with melancholic compassion. He blew a wonderful chance with an exceptional woman who has much to offer. It was his loss entirely. As for the other love, the one I heard from this week, that one is a little more muddled in it's disposal. I spent a long time letting go of this one, reconciling myself with my closing that door and walking away. A door I did not want to close but was compelled to for my own good. A door I closed and never opened so much as a crack again. Something I was proud I had the conviction to do. Something I never regretted. So why am I thinking of this, pondering these old loves long gone? I wonder where that love goes? Where does it go? Does it dry up? Does it dissipate, evaporate? Or does it stay with you, a part of you, absorbed into your consciousness like a lesson learned?I vote for the latter. I choose to not diminish nor denigrate that part of myself I gave freely and with pleasure. I choose not look at my giving as a bad decision, wasted time. I choose to look at it as growth, my growth. I didn't walk away empty handed. I learned things, I grew. So on this Valentine's Day I will look back at old loves with a kind heart, a generous heart, a completely intact heart. One that has an incredible amount of room in it. One that can reshape itself to accommodate what may be ahead. One that soars at the thought of all the possibilities in life. Indeed. Oh...the old love I heard from this week. I never answered the email. I hit delete. I love that delete key. Flag it:
