Posted By: mellers on

Saturday, August 16th, 2008, 3:10 pm

A kind and caring friend has pointed out to me that I haven't blogged for at least 3 days (which is unheard of for me). It's sweet that she noticed actually and in a way warms my heart that someone with so much else going on in her life is making such an effort in my direction. It fair warms the heart so it does.

My dearth of blogs has been kind of a combination of being busy with actual life and being in rather a bad place having had to deal with the minuteae of being off work sick. You know, the seeing not one but TWO doctors within 2 days, and the sick certs and dealing with work managers (who are less than sympathetic TBH). I've also started to develop a mild case of agoraphobia, which has made going out and doing my running pretty darn tricky.

I DID manage to get out and do my 4 miles yesterday though (after lots of encouragement from partner) and managed a very creditable time of 40:58, making my average mile time 10 mins 14 with an avg heart rate of 135. I'm pretty pleased with that. Tomorrows session is a standard 40 mins and I shall be fdoing my best to keep my heart rate below 130 so I don't expect to get quite as far.

I've also had my exam results but haven't had the courage to open them yet. I'm emotionally quite low and very drained, and anything other than an A would probably have me in tears. I can't afford to collapse in a heap just yet as I have guests coming for a BBQ tomorrow so I'll open the envelope when I'm feeling stronger and can cope with what will probably end up being a mediocre grade after the farce of the rubbish teacher we had this year.

Tags: anxiety, running, french

Posted By: mellers on

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008, 10:26 am

OK I was supposed to do 4 miles (Week 5 session 3) , but got mixed up and did the following session (Week 6 session 1) by mistake which is 30 mins! oops! OK, so it's NO biggie and I can do 4 miles instead on Friday, but I feel a bit foolish!

I managed 2.9 miles at a speed of 5.8mph with a heart rate of 131. That's a significant imporvement on my fitness of previous weeks when my heart rate has been MUCH higher at those sort of speeds. I felt quite comfortable with the session itself.

I'm still not good at the first bit of "getting out there" at the moment, but hopefully once the social gatherings of the weekend are over and done with, I will be in a position to feel a bit liess anxious about everything in general.

Tags: running, anxiety

Posted By: mellers on

Friday, August 8th, 2008, 7:39 am

OK, so this might end up being a bit of a ramble, but I AM trying to marshal my thoughts in to some sort of coherent structure! Bear with me!

Also, for someone who is completely well adjusted and deals with their problems (and their life) in a healthy and productive way, it's also going to seem like "yeah - so what!". Well sadly, I'm not, and I don't, and this is quite a big issue for me and I'm HOPING a big step forward too.

BACKGROUND: I have issues with food, is the simple way of putting it. I was morbidly obese until 2 years ago when I started my journey to lose 8 stone and be healthy again. Having got to goal, I've struggled to maintain my weight, with the most catastrophic gain being on my recent holiday when I put on 18lbs in 2 weeks eating what I wanted.

I continually suffer from anxiety and depression (so much so that I am off work with it) and my home situation is turbulent to say the least. I live with a man who I'd rather NOT live with, but my only experience of living alone had me descending in to a serious psycholigcial isolation which led me to be hospitalised for 5 weeks. I have also been suicidal about it my situation in the past.

THE CURRENT SITUATION: This constant weight gain however, has to stop. Not least of which because it has taken me weeks to lose 15 pounds of the 18lb gain, and will probably be another 2 weeks before I get back to goal. TWO weeks to put weight on and SEVEN to lose it again, is NOT a sensible way to continue to live the rest of my life, and frankly if I don't change this cycle of binge-loss soon, it's is the way the rest of my life WILL continue.

I have another two week holiday coming up a the end of August, when every fibre of my being is telling me that I want to, HAVE to, NEED to eat in the same 'holiday' way again. That would mean spending October and November losing it, just in time to put it all on again at Christmas.  At the moment, just ONE afternoon party can have me putting on 4lbs in a week with my eating going overboard whenever I allow myself to relax just a little bit. Holidays just multiple my problem by 14.

I have a summer garden party (complete with all-you can-eat buffet) to contend with tomorrow. I'm really apprehensive about it and I know that this sort of help-yourself scenario is my downfall! I also don't do well in large crowds of people I don't know particularly well and I'm no good at small talk.

It's just not on.

THE SOLUTIONS WHICH DON'T GO ALL THE WAY: I've been asking around for help with regard to tactics to help me cope with the food both on holiday and at social gatherings. Everyone I have asked has been really kind coming up with PRACTICAL things I can do. You know the sort of thing:

*don't leave home hungry, 

*choose wisely and healthily while I am there,

*limit myself to the amount I eat,

 all of which are fab strategies. But none of these address my actual problem which is, despite being desperate to lose my holiday gain and get back to goal, and NOT make more MASSIVE gains, I actually WANT to eat all this food.

I'm not stupid and I know eating it will make me put on weight, so why do I feel that I have to stuff my face? And more importantly how can overcome the problem?

THE REAL PROBLEM: It wasn't until last night that I realised what my problem actually is. I really WANT to stuff my face with bread, cake, cream, and naughty things to help me deal with my stress of being at this party.

It's the same on holiday. I feel that holidays should be a time of relaxation and enjoyment. As a sufferor of depression, I don't feel relaxed anywhere or at any time, especially on a holiday and don't get the same sense of escape that others do when being away from home. Sadly all my problems (my illness and the man I live with) come with me. The scenery is different but the problems are still the same. The only release I get from this is when I am eating. I want to feel relaxed on a holiday, Good heavens I have paid good money to be there I feel like I DESERVE to relax for god's sake.

I see now clearly for the first time, that eating has been my only constant and guaranteed way of distracting my brain from how awful my life is and letting me actually relax. To realx that is, like a normal person would relax in a bath or reading a magazine. For the 15 minutes that it generally takes me to consume a meal it's like I am in another world.

You may have experienced the same phenomenon when driving a regular journey each day. You get to your destination with absolutely no recollection of the journey itself. It's like that with me and eating. I can even start a meal with every intention of eating it consciously, but always seem to "lose" myself in the euphoria of the food part of the way through. I can get to the end of a plateful, with no recollection of how I ate it. Whether I shovelled the food in (starving prisoner style) ate with my mouth open, even (heaven forbid) made embarrasing social gaffes while eating it. Food, it seems, hypnotises me. It takes me away to a place where no other means of disraction, meditation and/or medication can do. It's like being given a 15 minute General Anaesthetic from the pain and hurt and emotional trauma of my daily grind of a life. I live from meal to meal as my only escpae from that pain and suffering. It's now becoming clear to me why I was suicidal too.

I do have other distraction techniques which anxiety sufferers may know about. It's a technique that they teach you in hopistal to help you cope with abnormally high anxiety. Sadly, over the years these have become less and less effective and even less and less tolerable in themselves.

I can no longer watch a TV programme for more than about half an hour without my brain going back to my awful life. I can't sit in a bath and let the bubbles soak the worries away, becasue the worries don't leave me. I can't even pick up a book these days, let alone let myself be spirited away in to the world of the author that I used to be, my brain won't let me go there any more. Slowly and steadily, my coping techniques for life are being slowly eroded and the one which remains, steady and true for me, anethetising me against the pain of my life as it is, is food.

THE REAL SOLUTION: I need to make an attitude shift in my head that says I don't HAVE to be constantly eating to be OK. I need to STOP using food as a distraction and an aneasthetic, but more than that, in my current start of emotional pain, I need to find an effective replacement, otherwise to be constantly here in the midst of my pain and hurt 24 hours a day. Things will be unbearable and I will probably end up being suicidal again.

It's going to be hard though & it will go against the coping strategy I appear to have had my whole adult life for dealing with my background level of stress. I don't KNOW if I can do it, but awareness of the ACTUAL problem is the first step. I have had success recently in combatting comfort eating for higher levels of stress (which is what is common among a lot of people). You know, you've had a bad day and want to comfort eat, or you have had a row with your partner, or someone shouted at you at work or something and you head for thE biscuits. Until now I didn't realise that I was doing it daily just to cope with life and be normal and to make holidays normal too.

It's a big task.

Tags: depression, lightbulb, anxiety, eating

Posted By: mellers on

Thursday, June 12th, 2008, 3:05 am

Ever since I was signed off work again last week I have really been struggling with my state of mind.  I am suffering both insomnia AND night mares (the world's most cruelly ironic combination) and can't concentrate, make decisions or feel anything but anger and dispair.

A couple of days ago I even managed to upset someone on the boards and have stopped posting there for a bit as I obviously can't keep my upset out of my posts.

I don't know quite what to do for the best. I seem to be worried about everything from partner's lack of determination with his weight loss, his inability to pay attention to me when I speak to him nicely (a feature of his autism) my own weight loss, my impending exam, my work situation and anything else you care to mention.

I am not in a good way I'm afraid and hope this passes soon. This seems such a stark contrast to last years birthday when I felt so positive.

Tags: birthday, anxiety, illness, upset

Posted By: mellers on

Sunday, June 1st, 2008, 3:46 am

OK, too many days of silence from me. Mainly because yet again, I don't know where to start, but also because I'm afraid that bloging about what's going on will force me to think about things. I'm trying to cope by NOT thinking about it all the time. Nevertheless, decisions have to be made and from the meeting I had with my line manager on Friday, he has made it clear that I have only a few days left to continue to do this job.

In less than 2 weeks time, my review period will end and I will be re-assesed by the Occupational Health dept again. It seems I have a choice to choose to follow the path of 'redeployment' (which, because of my state of health almost certainly will not result in me being interviewed and accepted for another job in the company within the 3-month available timescale), or to have my contract terminated immediately for non-fulfilment of it on my part. It seems my illness and the fact that it is covered by the Disability Discrimination Act, offers me little or no protection here and my choice is to jump or be pushed.

Whether I accept either, the result is the same and the only difference seems to be the timescale which the process follows. I will either be out of a job in a month or in 3 months time. Neither of which offer me any future where I have income and safety and security and I am scared.

Remaining at my current job is not an option. It is part of my company's policy to include peer-comparison in its appraisal process. At the time of writing, it seems I am currently so far below the performance of colleagues at the same grade that nothing I do between now and the end of this review period (which ends in 3 weeks time) will bring my performance grade for the period up beyond the level of "underperforming". This has the knock-on effect of putting me "on-report" as it were, with the following action of a formal written warning, should my performance not improve to average within a further 3 months. Disciplinary proceedures follow and I'm back where I started but with more pressure and more stress.

I am writing down the facts like this mainly for my own benefit in later assessment of what happened. It saddens me that my years of service to the company have come to this due to the nature of my illness. I am surprised that my company seem to have so few alternatives in place for someone like myself who WANTS to be productive and useful to the company over a long-term recovery process, but has to A1 within 3 months or so otherwise she's on a formal warning.

My recovery is likely to take much longer than that and will NOT be helped by this kind of stress and pressure. I am to see my GP on Tuesday and hope that he will be able to give me some advice and guidance as to whether I am in fact well enough to be working at all at the moment, given my intense psychological problmes with the stress and pressure that work puts me under. We shall see.

Tags: work, anxiety, illness, termination