Posted By: sandybryant on

Monday, September 22nd, 2008, 9:35 am

Saturday night, winding down for the night in front of the tube, my cell phone starts ringing. My phone rarely rings, since only a handful of folks have the number (and I don’t even have it memorized.) I answer it when I see the area code is from Georgia, even though I don’t recognize the number.

It was my father’s girlfriend.

Now, this was absolutely the first time I ever spoke with the woman. I’m not really at the point where I want to talk to her. But she’s talking to me about how my father misses me, etc. I cut her short. “I’ve talked to Dad since all this started. 2 times we’ve talked, all for less than 5 minutes by DAD’s choice, not mine. And the last time he called I wasn’t home. I returned his call, and he has yet to call me back.” She starts to say something about how sorry she is then asks if I want to talk to my father. It’s after 10. Dad is probably passed out in their living room, probably has had 3 or 4 Manhattans. I have to be up at 6 AM for a training walk. I don’t want to talk to him.

I don’t know why she thought it was her place to try to “make emends” with me. I’m not her daughter. In fact, I’m only a couple years younger than her. My father has fingers that work; he knows how to use a phone. It’s not her job to repair this relationship. It’s his job. It’s not like she and I will ever become fast friends.

Dad did call last night. We chatted for 10 minutes. The problem with him is he doesn’t really want to talk too much about his day, and he’s not really that interested in what I do. He just wants me to call. Before all this happened, he and I would talk 3, maybe 4 times a year: his birthday, Father’s Day, Xmas, and sometimes we’d chat before he automatically handed the phone to Mom. I’m really doubtful that’s going to change just because of the divorce.

He’s making a little effort, but I really think he’s expecting me to make more effort. Why?

Tags: family, divorce

Posted By: avflox on

Thursday, July 10th, 2008, 9:25 pm

The fairy tale is over: Shania Twain is splitting from her husband, Robert "Mutt" Lange. Wait, don’t slam your browser down on me, I'm going somewhere with this (I'm only a scandal monger when I have the details).

Canadian country singer Twain and record-producer Lange have been married for fourteen years. The couple met at Fan Fair in 1993, after Lange heard her debut album and hit up her record label for Twain's number. They married six months later and many criticized the move as an attempt by Twain to further her career.

In response, Twain wrote what would become her first Billboard 100 top ten hit, the Grammy Award-winning song, "You're Still The One."

It almost feels like the end of an era. OK, fine, a decade. I was fifteen when the song came out ten years ago. I had been involved with a few boys, but I was just starting my first significant emotional relationship. I remember seeing the music video and thinking, "one day, I will have that. One day, I will meet a man and fall in love and we will live happily ever after." You know, the stuff Disney told us with every movie during our formative years.

"And they lived happily ever after," is a convenient end for a writer.

In the preview for the Sex And The City movie, New York's favorite single gal, Carrie, is seen reading a bedtime story to her friend Charlotte’s daughter.

"'Cinderella and the prince lived happily ever after,'" she reads, then pauses. "You know, things don't really happen like this in real life, I just think you should know now."

The movie promises a twist to the traditional happy ending, hinting--not at all subtly--at perhaps a more realistic conclusion. I don't buy it. Sex And The City hasn't had its stilettos on the ground since the book (if then--bear with me).

Sequel or no sequel, the writers will make it work in the end like a proper Disney story.

Because reality, for all the "reality" TV on our televisions, doesn't sell very well. How many of us didn't detest Téa Leoni’s character in Spanglish? She’s too real, too messy, and hits too close to home. We gravitated toward Paz Vega's Flor, whose mentalité is nothing like that of most of us, no matter how much like our mothers we have become.

I think we need less stories about what happens between the first kiss and the altar and more about what happens after that, before the reconciliation or divorce court.

I came into marriage completely unprepared. I had no idea what I was getting into. I really thought nothing would change, that the title of wife was just that: a title. I thought my relationship would remain exactly the same as it was, with just that and a few other minor differences.

I didn't know better. I mean, I had nothing to go by. Carrie ends up with Mr. Big. And they live happily ever after, obviously. Right?

I had a pretty good example of a stable marriage. My mother and father are still together. Divorce, for the most part, is uncommon in my family. But there are a lot of fairy tales there. Deep valleys of hardship are suffered alone and left undiscussed. Trouble in a marriage, you see, is a dirty, shameful thing.

It's not like a divorce where you can point fingers, go insane, even make a video and put it on YouTube about how horrible your ex is (which, while tacky, it isn't shameful, especially not when you are the lover scorned). But when you're still together, expressing your concerns on issues could tarnish your partner and, by grace of union, you. So we say nothing.

Essentially, we are fighting the biggest battles, climbing the tallest towers and slaying the meanest dragons in silence. I think we need an attitude adjustment.

Maybe if we talk more openly about what's really going on in our heads and in our marriages, we'll find a more successful way to truthfully communicate to our partners as we make our way through the uncharted territory that is the Gen Y marriage.

And maybe then Gen Z will be able to stand on the shoulders of giants, see further, plan better, know better and, who knows, maybe actually live happily ever after.

Tags: love, relationships, divorce, marriage

Posted By: imnotanorm_girl on

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008, 4:40 pm

I pose this question out of curiosity.  My parents divorced and definitely did not stay friends ha ha

But I hear of families that do stay friends and I wonder.  Whether for the kids, for the whole family or for yourselves, how difficult is it.  And of course it must depend also on the situation, thats a given and an obvious.

Tell me what you think. 

Tags: friends, divorce, friendly

Posted By: sandybryant on

Monday, June 16th, 2008, 11:45 am

My father and I don't talk much. Before he and Mom split, if I called the house and he answered the phone he'd quickly hand it over to Mom without asking if that's what I wanted. So, we'd pretty much talk only if it was his birthday or Father's Day or I was visiting down there or more rarely they were visiting up here.

So I called yesterday. The last time I had talked to him was about 2 weeks after his birthday, since on his birthday I couldn't/wouldn't talke to him. Mom had thrown him out the night before. Our conversation lasted maybe 5 minutes.

He was happy to hear from me but his breakfast was getting cold.

Tags: family, divorce

Posted By: watercol on

Monday, April 7th, 2008, 3:43 pm

At the end of Nov. my husband came told me he didnt love me anymore and wanted a divorce. After 28yrs of marrige,4 sons and a bad health year. This seems like more than I can handle. I also found out this year that I have contracted cardio myopathy. A diease that attacks the heart. Oh and did I mention that I need to lose 57lbs. To put it very simply I am feeling overwhemed. I go between hating him and wondering why I still love him. Worring about how I will take care of myself. Wanting to tell the girl that he is with what a rotten person she is. How could she go after a man who is married. I know things werent great but I wish he would try. Concilling was a joke. He just showed up to say he went. I hate the fact that I still love this man who has lied to me over and over. What is wrong with me? My life feels out of control. I want to move on but am struggling with all these mixed emotions. I want him back , and I want to kick his butt to the curb. I also need to acknowledge that he has asked me to lose weight all our marrige. Being only 5'2" and 57 lbs overweight is not a good look for anyone and with my heart the way it is , It causes even more of a problem.  I wanted him to love me for who I am not what I looked like. If anyone has any insight Please share.

Tags: divorce, weight loss, overwhemled